Life…

Today I deal with life decisions.  I stumbled upon things that I hadn’t budgeted.  I stumbled upon things that I hadn’t foreseen.  Did I throw myself on the grown and have a tantrum?  No, but I wanted to for a brief moment.  I did ponder upon why we plan? Why we have goals?  Why do we do things the way we do?  Life continuously throws us curve balls.  It isn’t what happens and when.  It’s how we handle it when it happens.  Life is about constant change.  If we stayed the same day in and day out how boring would that be??

A lady at work that is normally overly bubbly (in my opinion) and full of pep in her step, came in really somber and full of gloom and doom.  I didn’t know what was wrong, but I definitely noticed.  I stopped and asked her what was wrong and boy was I not prepared for what she unleashed on me.  I was thankful that I stopped and asked because she later thanked me for taking the time to stop and chat.  We found out that we had a lot in common and that it helped one another to know that we share commonalities.

It is so reassuring when you find out that someone knows and understands your plight.  When you find out that you’re not alone in your madness it’s very comforting.  I didn’t feel that I was better than she or she than me, just a mutual understanding.  By sharing with her I finally felt that it isn’t bad to be so sharing and giving of your experience and your history.  We sometimes feel so ashamed that we’ve been divorced, or you’re not so strong in a certain area, or you’ve had this or that problem previously or currently.  We learn by sharing and caring for others.  Don’t be afraid to live your life the way you do, because you will never know who hears your story and learns from you or you from them.

Today I read a story about a man that found out he had cancer the same week that his son had died.  He didn’t know that his son had died because his family felt that he was in no condition to hear the horrible news, but at the same time in his condition, he felt that his wife was not ready to learn about his condition.  How many would put themselves aside, finding out the news about ourselves to still protect their own family???  It’s a sad story, but at the same time, it’s a great story.  You never know what someone is going threw.  This family was protecting each other from something devastating, understanding without communicating that the other wasn’t ready for the news.  That’s love.  That’s being in tuned and caring.

I realized even more today that the stuff that I sweat is so ridiculous compared to what could be going on.  There’s no way we’ll know what’s up ahead until it happens. Things can always be worse than it is.  I lost something important to me this week and I refused to get mad about it because it’s something I could replace.  It’s just a thing.

A life is irreplacable!  Live it until you can’t live it anymore.

A few random things

A few things pop in my head from time to time and I thought I’d share.
First thing tissue is very necessary. You can’t just buy any old kind if tissue. First of all it must be two-ply. Second it must be on the roll. I hate when people place the tissue on the sink or behind the toilet. Why not just throw the old roll away and put the new roll on the little thing that was created specifically for the darn tissue roll!!!! Third I don’t need little grooves in my tissue. A nice smooth, soft cushiony square of cotton is great for me. I don’t want to feel like I’m actually wiping with a piece of tree bark, as if I’m roughing it in the woods. Lol

I recently bought my daughter a phone. She has figured out how to change the background on the main screen to show a pic of herself hanging off the monkey bars. She’s 7… These kids are absolutely amazing me.

One more thing on my mind this morning, its getting chilly outside. I recently started catching the bus and trying to save money. But I hate day lights saving time. Not only is it going to be cold, its going to be dark. Maybe I should rethink this.

still waiting

They say that it takes your brain a while to catch up with your body.  So you lose a lot of weight and you still feel like you need to shop in the plus size section.  Or in my case, I still feel huge.  I can’t believe that I’ve gone down a few sizes, yet I’m still in denial. 

I feel great and people say I look great, but it’s still a big adjustment.  My mom says that I’ve started dressing differently.  And it made me think.  Did I start dressing differently or did more things just become available to me, now that I’m not at the max of the plus size, size chart????

I guess a little bit, my swagger, if I have such a thing, has changed a little bit.  I actually enjoy shopping now, where as before I’d hate hunting at Ross or Burlington Coat Factory, because the 3x maybe sometimes 4x would be minimal at best, but on top of the slim pickings, there’d be a whole bunch of other sizes that would catch the eye.  Only to pick it up and discover it’s not even a “woman’s” size.

I swear if this Social and Human Services degree doesn’t pan out, I’m opening up a line of affordable plus size clothing, that young women can feel proud about!  But that’s another post.

I still feel like I have to pile on the food on my plate.  I still feel like even though my stomach is saying, “alright now!” my mind is saying, “feed me Seymore!”  Even though I didn’t force feed myself at yesterday’s Resurrection dinner, I still feel like I had to finish my plate.  What is that about?  Over time, I nibbled on the food that I fixed and finally did decide to throw some away.  But I ate a good majority of the food.  While my stomach was saying whew…, my mind was saying, YYYYYEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!

I’ve got a lot more maturing to do when it comes to listening to the body and really deciding what is good for me and what is too much for me.  I’ve adjusted to the things that are good to warm up, and good doggy bag food.   I keep trying to eat bread only to discover that it feels me up to fast and sometimes doesn’t go down so well.  I’m just waiting for the brain to catch up.

I’ll let you know if it ever does.

Sometimes you feel like a nut…

Working out four times a week, watching the protein in-take. At first I had a hard time seeing the changes. The numbers on the scale are going down, but I really couldn’t tell. People are saying I really see it in your face. One lady at work said my pants are ridiculously baggy. I started to pull out my before pics because I’m like where’s it all going and why can’t I see it. I’m starting to understand this whole your brain doesn’t catch up with your body. I know for sure, my eyes haven’t caught up with my small pouch. I started to think about what I’m wanting from the whole weight loss surgery? Trying to stay focused and trying not to be the “look at me, I’m smaller now girl!” I started thinking and seeing if I’m doing anything different? Dressing differently? Acting differently. The amount of weight I’ve lost it isn’t enough to be hoochie mama, but I’m sincerely hoping I don’t get there. One thing I know for sure I’m doing is watching how smaller, but thicker women dress and trying to hone in on some styles that are available to me now.
Alot of times when you’re 30/32 you’re very limited to what you wear. When you’re considered extended sizes, they really limit what you can get them big thunder thighs and breast in. I haven’t attempted to wear any smaller size shirts yet. Mainly because I need new under garments that will support these saggy girls up. I’ve squeezed into a size 20 Jean skirt. That was very exciting and delightful. I thought surely it would have taken me many more moons to get into that skirt, but I’ll take it. (small victories)
Recently I jogged for five minutes straights. I’ve never done that before. I’ve upped my work out from 30-45mins +. I’m actually enjoying working out. I’m focusing on weight training and praying that I can get these bat wings under control. I shaved my girly parts the other day and didn’t have much difficulties. It’s thos kinda things that people that don’t have a lot of body, can’t relate to but trust me. It’s a feat and a work out, just in case you’re wondering.
I’m sure someone’s saying tmi, so on that note, I’m out.
Have a great week!

A month later

Immediately after surgery, my mom brought the kids home cheeseburgers and french fries, I think she made a pizza too.  And I remember the smell of the food was so delicious.  I would take a bite of the food, chew it up and spit it out in the garbage.  Other times, I’d just take a dose of medication and go off to snoreville to avoid the temptation.  Now that I can actually eat that food again as far as digestion goes, it’s still a temptation.  But I know that once I order something that I used to eat, it’s money down the toilet because I can’t eat 1/4 of the food.  Since the surgery, me and fried foods aren’t best friends anymore.  Once I eat something deep fried, it seems like the grease just wipes me out.  Sugar too!  I instantly need a nap after I eat something I’m not supposed to.  I have to settle for bites of things.  Like yesterday, I had a bite of  my daughter’s brownie.  It was the best bite in the world, but I knew that if I ate that whole brownie, I would be sick and feeling so drained, and I didn’t have time for a nap.

Now that I’m getting better from this bug that’s roaming around, I feel like I’m actually ready to work out now.  I’m seeing the results in the close that I put on and I’m ready to try and shrink up the fat, and firm up some of these rolls in my back.  Of course, I say that sitting in the bed on the lap top.  It’s gotta be done though, and I definitely don’t want to wait until May talking about I gotta get ready for the summer.

Food is lasting a whole lot longer too.  I’ve been actually able to make a small pot of spaghetti, or a bag of wingettes last longer cause I’m cooking for the kids and I’ll make myself some fish or some chili.  Now I’ve got to learn how to get creative with different spices, so that my food can have some yumminess to it.  I just don’t want the same old bake fish, baked chicken every time I eat.  And I’m hoping that my mind catch up with the small stomach any day now.  I still prepare too much food for myself.  I made 2 scrambled eggs and a piece of toast the other day and it was just too much.  I really had to sit there shake my head.  So from now on it will be 1 scrambled egg and 1/2 a piece of toast.   I look at the food and think yeah, this is going to be great.  Slow bite after slow bite it’s fulfilling but not as wonderful as I originally thought.

I’m glad I had the surgery though.  I think I can help my kids eating habits and help them not be an obese, disease ridden teenager or young adult.  It really does help that I have had my surgery and rude awakening that it’s time to get healthy or you’re not gonna be hear too much longer.

I got into a pair of jeans that I’ve been saving for a long time.  When I put them on to see if they could fit, and they didn’t start getting snug when I pulled them over my hip, I started to get excited.  I knew that I could button them up no problem.  I was so happy!!!! This is only the beginning of course, but it’s good to see progress.  My friend gave me some of her size 24 clothes.  And I can’t wait to get in those too.  I don’t have many clothes between my current size and 24′s.  So it’ll be interesting to watch my clothes hang off of me.  Some of my dress will look great on me.  Girdle city here I come!!!!

A bad break up

Not eating the foods I love, is like a having a bad break up.  You know how when your break up is new, and something happens that your boyfriend usually does for you or participates in, and then he isn’t there anymore and it really hits home that it’s really over?  That’s what this new lifestyle feels like. 

When I’m bored I go to the fridge and look at all of my options: jello, carnation breakfast drink, smoothie…  Nanh!!!  Just not as satisfying as a piece of cake, or a juicy cheese burger or big bowl of spaghetti. 

I was sitting and talking with the nutrionist on Monday and I was really trying to relay to her how it felt, and all I could think of is, “…it’s like a really bad break up!”

Now that I can eat other things it isn’t hardly as bad.  Now it feels like we’re (me and my boyfriend) are back on speaking terms and we’re trying to figure out if we want to try this relationship thing again or not.  It’s that awkward feeling where, you know the person still has some issues, but he’s now taking your calls and texting, but it isn’t the same as it was.

Although I’m eating again, this gastric bypass after life is a huge huge adjustment.  Eating 1/2 a cup of chili, tuna or yogurt and getting full is a trip.  You don’t think you’d get full looking at it, but you get so full.  And you almost forget that your stomach is so small.  Your eyes are definitely bigger than your stomach these days.

You can’t hurry up and eat, cause that is like someone coughing or sneezing over your food.  A serious turn off!!!  By the time the food settles and you can take another bite, you don’t even want it.

This week’s challenge is remembering to pace myself and really take my time with the 1/2 a cup of whatever I’m eating and chew, chew, chew.

I’m happy that I’m eating foods, but I’m so not a planner and lunch packer.  So when I go back to work, this is going to be a new challenge for me once again.

I’m going back on a part-time basis soon.  I’m very relieved to be able to go make some money and take my mind off of the food, menu and protein intake.  Even if it is for only four hrs a day.

The big picture

Having this surgery, has really begun to make me think of the picture.  It feels like right now, my world is food, food, food.  When it should be health, health, health.  All I can think about is what can eat?  What can I spruce up and make comforting and appealing?  What can I have that won’t hurt me?  I’m still in my grits, soups, jello and yogurt.  And I’m so done with all of them. 

I want to go back to work, so I can take the focus off of food and what can I eat next?  I feel like if I could pre-occupy myself that I would do much better.  People are saying, wait until you get on solids.  Wait at least another week, and I’m thinking, “kill me now!”  When I stay home, I want to exercise, run the streets, go do stuff.  And then I’m wore out and doing too much.  At least at work, I’ll be sitting down, and making money.  I will definitely talk with the doctor on Monday at my post-op appointment and see what he thinks or says.

Something has got to give.  I’m going to go stir crazy.

Not regret but close

Day 8, post surgery.  I am not having regret per se, I’m more just over my options today.  I don’t want soup, jello or instant breakfast.  No grits, no yogurt.  I want something filling and exciting.  Eggs and toast, hash browns and sausage.  It’s only been a week, so I know my system is nowhere near ready for those things.  One thing the surgery doesn’t do is take the cravings away.

I can see why people go thru the “what have I done?” phase.  So it’s time to be creative.  Spice up my soups and find some different types of soup.  My pre-op appointment is next monday, I’m praying for the green light for something delicious.

I’ve lost a lot of weight in a week.  So I’m definitely not regretting this surgery.  I did talk to the nurse and the fatigue is normal.  The amount of intake is being used up with the smallest tasks, so I will have to do what I can when I can.

I go to school and instantly smell the aroma from the cafeteria and it reminds me how much food is around.  In the morning right next to my son’s school is a bakery and the fresh breads and donuts smell wonderful.  Then you have the smells of fried chicken the exude from hallways in the apartment buildings and I think, damn I can’t get away from food.

I’ve realized that It will get better with time, and soon I’ll be able to eat the food but just in moderation.  So when I say I’m hungry, or I want something with substance, I’m not saying I regret anything.  I’m not saying feel sorry for me.  I’m simply saying, “Maaaaaannnnnnn, I want something delicious!!!!”

When I start to think about what I’d rather be eating.  I start to think about being able to go to school and fitting in the desk like everyone else.  I absolutely hate when I have to pull a chair up to a desk.  It is so embarrassing.  I think about being able to go on an airplane and not have to ask for a seatbelt extender.  I remember the last time I flew in 2008 with my kids and had to ask for an extender, I was embarrassed for not only me but my kids too.  And when my daughter needed to use that teeny tiny bathroom and walk down that little isle, I dreaded that walk of shame.  I really look forward to the days when I can go in most stores and shop.  Right now I have 3 stores.  Avenue, Lane Bryant’s and Catherine’s.  Every now and again, I’ll find something worth spending my money on at Ross or Marshalls.  But usually those plus size tops and bottoms are so poorly made that you wear them a time or two and things just start to fall apart.

So I have a lot to look forward to in my next year or two.  I know that this too shall pass.

a small victory

For Christmas, I received the WII Fit Plus.  On the box as big as day, it says weight limit 335 lbs.  Ut-0h.  So even with me knowing my weight and that it was well over the limit, I still stepped my happy fat self on the scale anyway.  And the cut little voice on the system, said “oh!” and then they politely told me to step my big self down! lol.  I wasn’t too defeated because I knew that I was having the surgery, but how devastating is that? You get a workout device, unwrap it and can’t use it.  Now I know it’s no one else’s fault that we big people get as big as we get, but dag.

So I got on the scale today, 5 days post surgery.  Because I wanted to see if I had met the 335 lb limit and if I could start working out yet.  I got on my scale and it said 319 and then 324, so I thought for sure my scale was trippin.  So I plugged up the WII and set up my profile and all that, and I got to the point where they finally ask you to step on the scale.  I did, and guess what?  It continued on.  The lady with the surprised, “oh!” still spoke, but they asked me more questions and then told me I was obese.  They told me that my ideal weight for my height was 132 lbs.  I almost fell over!!!! 132???  Naw dude.  For real? 

Then I got to thinking.  What age I must’ve been when I was around 132.  I mean it must’ve been middle school or even elementrary.  My senior year of high school, I remember doing a weight loss challenge with my family.  $20 per person pot.  I think there was 5 of us all together.  I remember weighing the most out of everyone, and I believe I was 180-190. 

I look back at my senior cruise picture and think, “hell yeah!!!! I was hot!”  I don’t know, it’s just surprising to me that society has me at 132 where in my culture, we’d be happy being still 50 lbs over that.  Who’s right and who’s wrong?  Is there really such a thing as big boned?  Does that equal the 50 lbs overage?  It’s just kinda crazy when you look at where the doctor’s and society has us all lumped up in the anorexic category.  Or is it me in my unhealthy frame of mind and thinking???

4 days and counting

Jan 11th, I had gastric bypass surgery.  I know, I know.  Why did I do that??? Well since the beginning of this blog some years ago, I’ve been struggling with weight and yo-yo dieting.  I don’t know how many times I’ve tried and failed, but I was sick of it.  It seems like 30 lbs was my limit each attempt.  I’d lose 30, felt good, would see results in my clothes, and some how sabbatage it, gain all the weight right back,plus some and there you have it.  Until the next greatest and latest fad diet comes or the next good weather stretch, where I’d think, I’m going to lose such and such lbs by my birthday.  Birthday comes, no where near the targe goal reached, and I’d feel defeated yet once again.

In September, I originally went to my consult, to see about lap band surgery.  I definitely was not thinking gastric bypass because the thought of cutting off my stomach, making a new one and dumping syndrome really didn’t appeal to me.  After reviewing all of my medical history, it was determined that with Lupus, your esophagus can be compromised with that disease alone and that you should really consider the gastric bypass. 

Now that didn’t instantly change my mind.  There was the drastic weight loss up front w/GB vs. the same slow paced weight loss w/lap band.  The constant visiting the doctor to have your band adjusted or tightened.  The idea of your band causing infections and your tubing backing up and not knowing it until after you’re already sick and having side effects.  I had to make a decision.  Yes or No to GB.

So here I am, four days later.  Everyone has asked how I’m doing.  Usually I’d say good.  Chugging along.  Or something along those lines.  Now I’m thinking… ‘eh  I’m over it!  This bloated feeling is getting on my nerves.  I just want to fart or poop and move things around in there.  I mean don’t get me wrong, it could be mounds worse.  I just hate the feeling.  And then you get hungry.  Well you can’t eat very much when you feel like your topping off an already stuffed 1 oz pouch they now call your stomach.  Which I guess is the point of not feeling very hungry these days, but when I feel hungry, I don’t want to eat because I feel so bloated. 

Just tell me when I can poop.  That’s what I’ll be looking forward to next.

Pain wise there isn’t a whole lot of pain going on.  I mean, I feel sorry when I’m moving around too much or I’ve exerted myself.  But the liquid vicodine is running out and a sister needs to spread things out!!!  My supporters have advised me to walk around, so that’s what I’m going to do.  I walk it out, I walk it out, I walk it out… that’s what’s stuck in my head today.

The best thing about the surgery was the morphine pump.  OMG.  When they told me that I had a morphine pump and that I could push that button every 8 minutes, a sister was pump happy.  I was so morphine wasted.  At one time, my phone was ringing in my room and I didn’t know what that was.  I mean, I was so gone.  In my mind, I was like the phone is ringing.  Then I was like, what phone is ringing.  Then it was like your room phone dingleberry.  But I pushed the morphine button, instead of the nurse button and I was like oh well! Then the nurse came in and she helped me answer the phone, when my friend called right back.  It was quite comical.

The worst thing, I’d have to say is this bloated feeling.  The only thing worst than bloatedness (is that a word?) is constipation.  And I’m sure that is right around the corner, considering narcotics cause constipation.

Oh oh oh, the worst thing too is that for all of you that know me, know that I love to drink a lot of water.  Well those days are now gone.  I can no longer drink tall glasses of water at once.  I now need to sip these small increments of water and over a period of time.  Just like eating these 1/2 cups of food over 30 minutes of time.

Sounds like I have a lot of worst!!!  It’s really not that bad.  Just takes some adjusting.  I am really glad I’ve done this.  I’ve already lost a lot of weight in the 4 days.  So I’m happy about that.

I guess I better go eat and get my 1st of 6 1/2 cup meals in.

There will be more to come I’m sure.