Big Mama and dem

I thought I was really ready to make that final step.  I thought that I was really about to cross the line, that point of no return.  I ordered the damn papers for crying out loud.  I mean, I spent $50 damn dollars for the do-it-yourself divorce kit.

The package comes, everything I neeed plus 91 days is at my finger tips and the thought of filling out the papers makes me want to throw up.  I open the package and read the stuff, it’s not foreign to me, I’ve been here before.  But this time I can’t do it.  The thought of thinking about it, putting it in black and white and really making it final.   No longer talking shit about it, but backing my shit up!!!  I CAN’T FUCKING DO IT.

This would be marriage number two down the fucking drain.  And I don’t want to follow in my mama’s foot steps.  Whom by the way is total in support and on board for helping me fill out the papers, because she is a VET at the shit.  On divorce number four and not afraid to give it another go round if the idiotic fella steps up to the plate!

I don’t want to have another divorce.  So I’m perplexed on what I’m doing here.  We have some serious issues, and we are miles apart.  So how and the hell can we do this with out getting a divorce.

One thing that HE says is what’s my rush?  My rush is that I hate for shit to be in  limbo.  In my mind, I think I’d rather it be over now, and then if we can come together later, work on us and figure some stuff out, the we can get back together later.  But that’s not gonna happen.  His culture is very different than mine.  He comes from if you’re done, you’re done.  No part two, no to be continued, NADA… You end it, that’s it. 

When I’m mad, I could care less about his damn culture, but I really do care about the fucker!  I’m trying to figure out how and why Big Mama and dem handle marriage and commitment.  Granted a lot of them didn’t work and have their own, and depended on the worthless as men we know as grandfathers for survival.  But regardless, how bad granddaddy was, grandma was ridin’ for her dude. 

My aunties told me stories of my grandma packing up the kids and going to stake out granddaddy at his play things house.  I am like for real.  Women was hoo-ridin’ back then? 

But every damn Sunday they went to church as a family.  He might have creeped and drank up the whole damn liquor bar, but he held it down.  And Grandma knew what was up, but she held it down.

And truth be told.  Grandma did a little creepin on her own too.  Don’t be no fool.  But which way is right?

Get divorced and divorced until you pick the right one.  Or you be a ride or die chic, know he’s a scum bag, and have your own dirt on the side?

I’m confused. 

The other thing I’ve seen and had expressed to me, is that All things are Possible with Christ Jesus.  He can change both of us so that we can come together, how we did at that alter and took those vows. 

I’m like hmmmm…. Damn Big Mama and dem…  I gotta shake this cat.  Truly sad I don’t have what they had, but I’ll be damned if I take this shit!  Somethings gotta give!!!

And the goods things…

So I’ve done a few blogs with bad stuff, finally some good. 

About a month ago, I was at the salon and a couple came in and chatted it up, while their daughter was getting her hair done.  The wife and I started to talk a little bit and she referred me to a home day care.  Now I loved my daughter’s current day care, but the tuition was killing me.  Even though she was learning, spanish and sign language.  And they had a variety of computer programs, I just couldn’t afford the $660 a month. 

So, I called the lady they referred me to, come to find out that the number was no longer in service.  I called the couple, left a message that the number I had didn’t work and did they have another number.  They never called me back.

About a week after that I finally decided to try and look her up myself.  I found a new number for her, called her and found that she had just filled her last opening.  I was devastated!!!  But smart enough to leave my number if any thing becomes available.

Low and behold two weeks later, this past Tuesday, she called me and said that she had an opening and my daughter could start the next day.

I was so happy, and it came right on time too.  After all the drama this week, I needed good news!!! 

The drag is she will start a new daycare Monday.  Although, she was brought up in a home daycare back home, she’s been in a daycare center for the last 4 months, and I hope it isn’t a hard transition for her.  She claims to understand and asks me everyday if today is the day she’s going to the new daycare, but it still can be a tough transition.

What I like about the home daycare, besides the tuition, is that its two brown women working there.  All the kids are brown too.  They still have a curriculum and since it’s just a few kids at the learning stage, she can work a little more intimately with my baby.

The other good news is on Wednesday, I got the pre-approval to have the weight loss surgery.  However, because of my insurance, they are requiring that I maintain a six month diet, have a sleep study (which I’ve already had once before and am not looking forward to again) and a psych evaluation.

So that’s exciting.  Unfortunately I won’t be able to have it until July or August, but it will be well worth it.  I will be able to start my 32nd year off with a bang.

Oh and I guess this falls under the good things category; I also made my consultation appt for my breast reduction.  So I’m excited about that too, cause my shoulders and back are killing me.  And oh to fit in a regular top… Wow!  What a dream.

I Made My Decision

After 8 months of being separated.  3 month of being on again and off again, I’ve decided that I’m going to get a divorce.  We recently had one last talk about our expectations and it just didn’t go well, to say the least.

I don’t know why it took me this long to get fed up.  To realize that I don’t deserve to be talked to like a child.  Or how I don’t deserve to come last after all his family and friends.  Or how there was never any love there.

Love takes work, but should it really take that much work?  There were times that I was happy, but over all the last four years have been really hectic for me. 

So I’m slowly working on me.  I’m really trying to get to a point where all of my surroundings are positive and complementing me. 

It was hard for me to make that final decision though.  Even though things were messed up, I still know this person intimately.  I’ve dealt with and known nothing else for almost five years.  I realized awhile ago that even though we didn’t agree on a lot of things, he was my comfort zone and I didn’t want to give that up.

I was so hopeful.  I thought that circumstances would change, once he got a job, once he had his money, once he got out of the house and got some friends and started doing things instead of sitting in the house and being bored and depressed.  But this new circumstance, brought about different circumstances.  Like contribution to family bills or the lack thereof, and contribution to the kids, to the romance and intimate department and so on and so forth.

I know this is the case for most women, we have faith.  We hold onto something for so long because we are hopeful that they are going to change.  We place the ball in their court and hope that they will make the right decision.  When in turn we are the ones who need to make the decisions.  We have a say in our destiny.

Someone shared something in a book and mentioned something about the need to be right.  I think that I’ve given up that need to be right.  The need to point out all that I feel he’s done wrong and I’ve just plum given up.

 Trust and communication is so key.  And if you don’t have that, on top of romance and money, MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnn, you all kind of fucked up…

So I decided that I give up.  I’m truly tired of being tired.  Truly deserve better.  In 91 days, I will be living single…