The list

They say make a list of the things that you want and don’t want in a relationship. 

Like a red flags list and I want list.  So here goes nothing…

THE RED FLAGS LIST:

a person who lives with someone else. ( I need to be able to come to your house.  I need you to know what it takes to run a house and the money involved in maintaining a house.  I need to know how you live, if people are running in and out of your house.  If you keep up your house, if you’re lawn is growing five feet high, if you’re lazy as hell)

a person who doesn’t have his license. (I don’t need you trying to ride my whip w/out a license.  I don’t want you to be getting my car taken cause you ridin’ dirty.)

a person who doesn’t have/or hasn’t had his own car in a long time. (Things happen, cars break down.  But if your car broke down five years ago and we still haven’t worked something out, we have a problem.  I need to know that y0u ain’t gonna be trying to take over my car and shit.  I need to know that you are responsible and take care of your car.)

a person who doesn’t have/or has never held down a job an extensive period of time. (Now this is important because if you’ve had a grip of jobs in the past we need to know why.  Do you have a problem.  Are you hot headed, don’t make wise decision, do people have issues with you.  Do you go to work every day?  Are you lazy?  Are you picky?  Is the man trying to keep you down?  I need to know?  Also it shows if you can stick with it.)

a person with multiple baby mama’s. (Shit happens, I know, but I don’t need more drama.  This is just a personal want for me.  Multiple baby mama’s can mean so much, I don’t even feel like getting into this right now)

a person who has lived here and there and every where (unless for reason like military brat)  If you have been in several states in the last few years, I have a problem with this.  What the hell are you running from?  Have you been transferring jobs or just exploring?  What is your reason?  What kind of money you working with?  And how long do you plan on being in this state before you plan on uprooting again?  I have children.  I cannot be traveling the world with you…)

a person with a prison history.  (Sad to say, but a wrap sheet makes it difficult to do a lot of things.  Like get an apartment.  Get a good paying job.  Your history follows you.  I’m trying to go places.)

a person who can’t cook.  (I can cook, but I would love to share this responsibility.  I would love to come home to candle lit dinners or wake up to a home cooked breakfast.  I can’t be the only cook of the house.  Don’t want to, can’t make me.)

a person who has a drinking and smoking habit. (I like to drink e’ry now and then.  I would like to have liquor around for a while.  I don’t want to have to hide my stash, cause you have the tendancy to see it, must drink it all up in one sitting mentality.  I want to be able to depend on having sane, conversations that don’t jump from subject to subject and end up with me making you a ham sandwich cause you go the munchies.  I need for you to be able to remember shit and not be talking about when did you say that, cause your memory cells are gone!)

a person who doesn’t follow through with the things he says he will do. (I’m sorry, I know things happen.  But this is a red flag because I need to depend on you. )

a person who doesn’t have a bank account. (I need you to have an acct somewhere other than the pay advance place.  Why wouldn’t you have an acct?  Bad credit?  You did some check scams?  You owe them a grip?  I need you to have an atm/debit card.  Over draft protection.  Something.

My want list is pretty simple:

a brother who makes $50k or higher

a brother who owns a house or has a plan to purchase in the next few years like me.

a brother who has lived on his own for over 2 years.  No roommates, no baby mama’s, nothing. 

a brother who if he has kids spends regular time with his kids and has a no drama filled relationship with his baby mama.

a brother who communicates freely and can articulate what he’s thinking.

a brother who has a plan, has some kind of idea where he wants to be in the next five then ten years.

a brother who can and enjoys kissing

a brother who loves to pleasure me and not all about his nut

a brother who is not selfish

a brother who is a family first kinda of man

a brother who has his world and wants me in it

Beyond Counseling

Do mean realize how much women do to hold down the family?  Could dad’s hold us down for 24 hours?  I mean seriously fill our shoes?  We deal with boolshyt from all walks of life.  Birds shitting on our cars, traffic being hectic, bosses on our collars, kids throwing up on us after we get dressed.  We have to worry about daycare, doctor’s and dentist appointments, making sure uniforms are cleaned, permissions slips signed, homework done, checked and rechecked, dinner finished and then dude wants to turn around and want some head for a night cap.  Negro are you serious???

I’ll give it to my husband.  He had dinner on lock every night.  But that’s because he was very particular on cleaning his meat very thoroughly, making sure he cooked things slow so he could have it falling off the bone, even if it meant we didn’t eat until 8:30 at night.

What lacked in our relationship is the constant participation on his behalf.  I felt like he was more worried about what movies came out on Tuesday that he could go rent, where the nearest ”choke” man and liquor store is and what Jordan’s he could buy.  He had the spontaneous Saturday daddy fever where he’d want to go do something as a family.  But in my opinion to far and in between.  I call him the discipliner.  He’s one of those dads that have these expectation that you should only have to tell your kid once to stop doing something, how to clean something.  I’m like what planet do you live on?  Who only talks to their kids once and from that point on their on the straight and narrow?  And he lacked the love part.  No he didn’t lack the love when it came to a girl.  He lacked it when it came to boys.  Felt like boys didn’t need love and affection like a girl.  Didn’t have the positive reinforcement.  Didn’t know how to be macho, yet loving.

But I could go on forever about that dude.  But my question really is in general.  Can dudes hold us down?  If we were to get sick for like a week.  Would all hell break lose or would the dude be able to hold it down?  Would the woman have major damage to repair when she got all better or could she rest peacefully knowing that her man can handle it?

 I feel like my husband would lose his rabbit ass mind.  His patience would be thin, he’d be needing a joint and a whole 5th, bunk a pint.  He’d be short with everybody.  He’d be forcing me up and at it.  Or I’d just want to rescue everybody I’d cut my own illness short and hop up.

And why does MY dude, cause not all men are like this, but dude has to be hounded about shyt before he just does it.  Like paying the daycare, or paying some random bill.  There’s always some major discussion that turns into an argument, that turns into a nightmare, that turns into me wanting to leave his bytch ass, cause he has no problem spending mad loot on the b.s. that he wants, but when it comes to the bills and his share of the responsibility there’s a problem.

Do you know what it takes to run a house hold?  Do you know that it’s not ok, to try to negotiate what you will help with and what you won’t help with?  Did you know that if we share a car you need to share the bills for the car?  The oil change, the gas, the insurance, the maintenance, all of that is an “us” thing, not a “me” thing.  Do you know that?

Don’t come talking to me telling me that “my” tire is getting low.  Or that something is wrong with “my” car.  You drive it more than me.  What’s your point?  Handle that shyt.  You could be out there pampering the car, shining the shyt out the car, so why can’t you tune up the car?  I don’t get it.

And why am I always accused of trying to mother you?  Or take everything you got?  Or ruin your life?  I don’t want to see you happy.  Why wouldn’t I want to see you happy?  What I really want to see is these bills paid.  That everytime you get paid I get my cut.  That I don’t have to play loan shark and break your freakin knee caps…  That’s what I really want.

I asked home boy if I could start getting his half of daycare on a consistant basis.  He got irrate and told me until he get his money handled he didn’t have anything to speak to me about.  Por que?  Repeata por favor? 

How the hell we go from your 1/2 is $330 can I depend on you??  To until my money ain’t funny, we don’t need to talk?

This is why we’re separated now.  This why I’m so done and beyond counseling.

Everything is a battle… Everything!  Life ain’t fair.  And neither is this marriage.  I quit this bytch!